Trust

I've had something on my mind for the last couple days and I wanted to write about it today in the hopes that an answer magically will appear...I wanted to talk about Trust.

What is trust?  If it's lost, is it possible to ever regain it?  How can you regain someone's trust?

These are the questions I've been thinking about...

So, what is trust?  Merriam-Webster's defines trust as "a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed".  I guess that's what I think trust is too.  When you trust a person, you know that character is good, that they are an honest individual, and that they would never intentionally do something to hurt you (or another person).

Ok, now we know what it is.  So, if you lose trust in someone, is it possible to regain it?  Thinking about my own life, I have had several instances where someone I thought I could trust ending up hurting me in some way.  Despite this, I have this need to believe in the good in everyone.  I need to believe that everyone is inately good and honest.  I feel that I can't believe this, what is the point of this existence?  Second guessing people, actions, and words is a waste of energy so I try not to do it.  But when I accidentally find something out, suddenly a little seed of doubt is planted in my head and I can't help but wonder if I have been naive and idealistic all my life.

In my online research about this topic, most "experts" say that to regain trust you must understand the reason for the breach of trust - even if you don't want to hear it.  The trust breaker must also understand how the you feel and offer a sincere apology - without an explanation of the behaviour (ie- I'm sorry but...).  An explanation should only be offered if asked for.  I found this little paragraph about how to make promises about future behaviour when trust has been breached at http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/.  Essentially, promises made must be:

• mutually agreed upon - both parties must be satisfied with the promises offered
• reasonable - promises need to involve things that one can actually live up to (broken promises are one of the worse things that could happen when trying to rebuild trust)
• explicitly clear - both parties should double check their understanding of the promises being made
• related to the betrayal that occurred - promises about future behavior need to be related to how trust was violated

Once promises have been made and kept, you should also take time to discuss how you are actually keeping your word.  I think this is the most difficult part of the trust-building process because talking about it can almost sound insincere (ie. See, you can trust me again - I did what I said I would...).  But everyone seems to agree that talking about your feelings is the best thing to do.  For one who is not good at talking about feelings (like me!), this will most definitely not be easy...

Finally, by following these steps you should be able to fully trust someone again.  The process will probably take longer than you think is should (especially if you are the trust-breaker) but if you are willing to work on it, you should be able to have your old relationship back after a breach of trust. 

Both parties have to be willing to work on the issue though.  Rebuilding trust is not a one-way street.  If both parties cannot work together, then maybe it's time to weed your garden, as we say in our family.  Rid yourself of the person who causes the negativity and keep only the positive people in your life.